Who Am I and What Have I Done with Myself?

How many of us, from time to time, feel we are not enough? How many times have we looked in the mirror and criticized what looked back at us?

I was raised in a family where my parents wanted me to have a life better than they had. In elementary school, 2 As and 3 Bs was not good enough. When skirt hemlines went up, mine went down because my mother wanted me to retain modesty, but instead it set me up for ridicule and then deception, as I hitched my skirt up when at school but then heaven help me if I forgot to roll it down again before I got home.

Puberty brought on its own challenges. Twiggy was the new role model and thin I was not. My best friend was a beautiful, slender young girl and I felt clumsy and awkward in her presence. When I was 13 my family moved from Victoria, BC to London, Ontario, far from what I had known into a brand-new environment. First year of high school and I didn’t know anyone. I did well at school the first 3 years but when my boyfriend graduated a year ahead of me and then broke up with me, I was devastated. The depression swooped in like clouds in a low-pressure zone. I quit going to class and fell asleep in class when I did go. The principal called me into his office in my senior year and told me that technically I had failed the year, but they were going to pass me regardless, so I didn’t have to repeat the year. He just wished me the best in my future endeavors. They didn’t really understand depression back then.

I married young to a man I liked but didn’t really love because I thought he would take care of me. I gave birth to 4 children in less than 5 years and had to walk away from my marriage because he was dealing with his own issues, and we were deeply in debt, and I had to work as a waitress to put food on the table. I went on welfare and felt rich. But not happy. I couldn’t work because I had no skills, and childcare would have taken all my money. The depression deepened. I hated myself for the poor decisions I had made. I felt I didn’t deserve to breathe the air. I was so close to leaving the planet when I had a dream that I died, and I had to watch someone else raise my children. That is what kept me here.

I was involved with a very strict religion that frowned on women leaving their husbands. The elders of the church sat in my unfurnished living room and debated among themselves as to whether I deserved sheets and food. I left the church and tried to navigate my life with no outward support.

But I was still trapped in the mindset that man was born in sin and capable of no-good thing. I would read the Bible and weep because I could see how far I had fallen.

Then when my children were older, I read a book called Out on a Limb by Shirley MacLaine. That book cracked my world open. I somehow could see myself as a spiritual person rather than a religious one. Mind you, I couldn’t really relate to the aliens she kept meeting, but my heart resonated with the idea that I was more than this shell of a human and that regardless of what my past had been, I could take it as experience and move on. I started to find work and started to support myself and my family.

Around 1993, I found my way to The Centre for Positive Living, an organization based on the teaching of Ernest Holmes and his book Science of Mind. I learned the meaning of metaphysical and this resonated with me. I began to understand what it meant to be whole and complete and not perfect.

I learned how to use affirmations to change my thinking which also trickled down to changing my behavior. The affirmation that changed my life and helped me rise above the chronic depression and self-loathing was “I am happy with myself, and Life is good to me”. I said this over and over and over again. Another one was “I am whole and complete right here, right now, just as I AM. I quit smoking by chanting “I am a non-smoker” for 6 months while I was still puffing away. One day, I just couldn’t stand it anymore and quit. A few times in my life I was tempted to start again but it was disgusting, and I couldn’t do it.

On December 2, 1994, one month before my 40th birthday, on a Friday night, I was working in a carpet retail store. I was contemplating my upcoming birthday and reviewing my life. I wanted something better. I knew I was worth something better. I declared, out loud, to an empty store, THE NEXT 40 YEARS WIILL BE NOTHING LIKE THE FIRST 40. I AM CHANGING MY LIFE! I called this THE SHIFT because after that, everything changed.

I learned how to manifest, and the strangest things started to happen.

I went from working 3 part time jobs to learning how to use computers and working in offices.

When I needed to move and no trucks were available to rent, I manifested a truck the night before by joyfully accepting the solution to my problem before the solution was evident.

Just by a casual conversation, I manifested muffins instead of donuts!

One of my friends called me a bliss bunny, because I was so high on life that I was amusing to those around me.

I began to write poetry. Some poems just downloaded into me while I was doing things like driving or going for a walk.

I looked in the mirror and started to like what I saw. A vibrant and excited woman who wanted to change the world.

I focused on the higher vibrational emotions such as Peace, Gratitude, Love, Joy and occasionally Euphoria. In those moments I felt I could touch the hem of heaven.

I must admit that I didn’t reside in that heightened state of consciousness for an extended period of time. Life happened and I got involved with relationships that didn’t share my vibrational level, and this brought me back to earth in a big way.

But now I had what I call a toolbox. When I felt down, I could use affirmations to bring me up to a functional level. When I struggled with negative emotions with breakups and betrayals, I could remind myself I am much more than this.

My meditation practice has become more regular, and I even look forward to sitting quietly for 20 minutes and sometimes that is not even enough.

My creative side is expressing itself with yarn arts, diamond art and paint by number. Paint by number? Yes! I completed the Mona Lisa, and an amazing lion is emerging from a Dollar Store canvas with dried out pots of paint that I ran off to Michaels to match. I felt like a real artist, searching for paint and better brushes.

I sometimes think life is like a video game. Not that I can play a video game. I can’t get Winnie the Pooh to jump over a log, but I think the analogy works well. We learn skills, we fail a lot and when we think we are close to winning, we stumble and fall and must go back to the beginning. But we have learned so much that moving forward again is easier and we have learned how to navigate the pitfalls much better.

But I always remind myself that I am not the character in the game, that I am the Player.

The game is temporary, and an illusion and it only matters how much I have learned to Love.